Corona and humor

Good day readers and followers,

It has been a full season or two since my last post.  I have long been told that I have an off-beat or unusual sense of humor.  I concur.  However, humor, laughter is necessary for survival.  Life is serious enough.  In the nearly seven months since my last blog much has happened.  Mostly a history changing worldwide health crisis.  A pandemic.

What is a pandemic?  Thank you to the trusted Webster family and their dictionary;  Pandemic : A disease epidemic that has spread through multiple continents.  Until about the end of 2019 Corona was known mostly as a beer brand. Strangely popular, mostly tasteless, thin and overpriced.  Corona is also known as a poem or the name of a small city or town.  There are six here in the USA, plus a neighborhood in the borough of Queens in NY City.  NY City happens to have the highest level of both cases and unfortunately deaths. A neighborhood with a name like the virus is ironic and unfortunate.

Corona was not known as a virus.  Coronavirus.  Covid.  Covid-19. The entire world was absorbed by it. We went from seeing it from afar, affecting China, Spain and Italy to near.  The first death here in Pennsylvania, USA was someone from my town.  He died in the hospital that is one mile from my house.  The hospital where my older daughter works.  My daughter that lost her sense of humor and told me I should lose mine. No, Nope, never.

I have to find humor in everything.  As I mentioned a few lines above life is serious enough.  I have strange and funny thoughts, nothing irreverent or disrespectful, this thing has killed over 70,000 people just here in the USA.  However, as we moved to mandatory masks to go to the store,we also invented a phrase called "social distancing," which basically means standing, walking, being six feet or more away from anyone that doesn't live with you.  I am a single, middle aged man.  Trying to get a date was difficult enough. Corona made it impossible, but funny pickup lines popped into my head and impossible not to share.

Older daughter told me it was not a joking matter.  I say, yeah it is, we can laugh or we can go into fetal position and crawl under a blanket.  I was in the little grocery store in town.  There were two attractive women, but Y'know, with a mask it's tough to tell if they might have more facial hair than me, and so I thought "Hey, you look good in that mask, but I'd like to get to know you without one."

"Hey...want to come to my place and co-quarantine?"

It kind of rolled when I was out with my dogs, where you don't have to wear a mask.  I came across so many people that I had never seen in my neighborhood.  There are many, apparently single, female dog owners.  The next line that came up "Nice dog, what are doing tomorrow?  Want to walk our dogs 6-feet away from each other?"   I was told, not funny, you shouldn't be trying to get a date while people are dying.

People die everyday, we have to laugh to keep from crying.  The company I work for is based out of Valhalla , NY.  We have been getting weekly updates from our CEO.  As the stay at home orders have been extended he has also extended the company wide order irrespective of what independent states, etc are doing.  In four of the last five weeks he has extended it.  In the 60 minute, very folksy Friday calls we all wait for the moment where he either extends or holds.

I decided that I could get one over on my boss, who is a friend and some colleagues.  I sent out an early morning e-mail that I had the advance notes in case they couldn't make the call.  I wrote it in the folksy messaging of our leader, and he is a great leader.  The notes from my colleagues made me smile and laugh out loud in my Richter scale registering guffaw.  The Gotcha!, doesn't come until the end.

Return to the Office

The process of returning to the in-office environment will be done utilizing additional safety steps.  These steps are important to safeguard against cross infection but support a return to normalcy.  These will be progressive actions that we may adjust going forward.  Consider this a roadmap for the return.  Sometimes we must take an alternative route.  While we are already on a road that certainly has been less traveled, there may be many routes to take on our continued journey.

With that said, we will move to a staggered return in order to maintain some distance in the office environment.  In week one, then reversing every other week until further notice:

·         Employees whose last name ends in a consonant will return M-W-F

·         Employees whose last name ends in a vowel will return Tue-Th

However, if this does not provide enough distancing the defaults, in order will be:

·         Last names that both begin and end with a vowel will return Tue-Th

·         Last names that both begin and end with a consonant will return Tue-Th

o   Then finally begin with a vowel, end with a consonant

To maintain safety is paramount.  As such, the company has hired a third - party testing firm that will test at the entrance to the actual office but not necessarily the building.

Employees will have their temperature taken with a touchless thermometer.

·         Anyone with a temperature above 99.9 F will be sent home

·         Any employee who registers a temperature of normal to 99.9F will then be directed to provide a saliva and stool sample.  Known colloquially as the Spit and $hit, this newly developed, highly accurate test keeps many out of the office.

Happy Friday!  Everybody with a name ending in vowel say "Valhalla."  Those with a consonant say "Valhalla back."

________________________________________________________

The Answerman says "This Coronavirus is some serious shit, but we cannot allow our sense of humor to die in the process of being safe and trying to stay healthy.  Laugh, joke, love one another. 

Be Good, Be Safe.