Time, Travel, Relationships-Not Time Travel

Once upon time I did an evaluation of two different groups in the spectrum of people that reach a certain age, look in the mirror an wonder. So in my retrospective mood we will take a travel back in time.  They wonder about how they have arrived at this point in their lives and how to change it.  Usually they want to change it in a hurry, but life doesn't work that way for most of us.  Both arrive looking for someone to share time, a mate, a date, significant other-whatever you want to call them.

 The Always-Been-Single (ABSs) crowd are a curious bunch, particularly those in their mid to late 40's or 50's.  This can be a point of wonderment or concern.  The ABS crew is not for me. I have a preference for someone who has been married, whether divorced or unfortunately widowed.  Additionally, someone who has children.  I am not alone in that preference amongst my now divorced or widowed crowd. We are the DWC's (Divorced/Widowed w Children).

The life experience of someone who has been married or is a parent is completely different than the ABSs.  DWCs are viewed as having had less fun by "that crowd", which is another "eye of the beholder" item.   The flip side is that many of the ABSs are well traveled fun seekers that suddenly woke up as a middle-aged single.  I wouldn't trade my experience as a parent and grandparent for trips to Europe or other international places.

Most of the ABSs don't understand what it means to be a parent and cannot relate to what it entails or why we are so dedicated.  I will caveat that statement - I have a terrific cousin and a great friend that are wonderful Aunts and have had active roles in raising nephews and nieces.  Each has had some misfortune that created their arrival at middle age as an ABS.  So, yes, there are exceptions-but for the most part the ABSs were thrill seeking, fun loving singles in their 20's and 30's.  I generally swipe left when the first line of a profile says ABS.

Once upon a time, a couple years back I had a discussion with a friend WJ , now married and in her 30 who was concerned for one of her closest friends.  The friend, I will call her JC, is in a relationship with an ABS-in-the making.  How?  Well, JC, also in her early 30's, wants a family and had a personal tragedy in her late 20's that lead to her current circumstances.  JC had another relationship with someone who wanted to stay away from parenthood so that ended.

The real reality here is that you cannot change someone's mind if they don't want to have children.  The guy is allegedly great ( I don't know him) he's fun and always has another place to go and thing to do.  He also has said he wants no kids.

Look, if everything else about a relationship is great but one party has an aversion to parenthood it's best to cut bait and fish new waters.  If a relationship is spent trying to convince someone that they want something that they don't then both may wind up as card-carrying ABSs when the clock strikes age 40.  The sound will be more of a bell tolling than a gentle song bringing her closer to middle age and send her life-boat further adrift from motherhood.  The feeling will be worse then unhappiness - its called sadness.  Dark, empty and bottomless.

So WJ has deep concerns for JC.   WJ sees red flags waving on the shores of JC's significant other.  Her crystal ball has a tear stained JC at 37/38 starting over while Guy runs off to another concert/mountaintop/country or whatever.   I'm the Answerman to my friends - and happily so too.  I know JC, wonderful woman, dedicated and caring friend, affable, attractive, professional with a deep rooted desire to have a family.

My advice to WJ was to be direct.  Those that know me are well aware that I have the subtlety of a sledgehammer or freight train.  I am never the friend that will be there in two years saying "I knew that would happen."  I don't want to be the one that is holding someone up and drying their tears sometime in the future because I didn't say what was obvious.  My friendships have survived by honesty- the truest of friendships survive.  However, I am not judgmental nor extraordinarily opinionated either.  Love can make you blind.  Blind to the red flags that are desperately waving to signal trouble on the horizon.

If the relationship does wind up walking down some aisle somewhere there is a very real concern that it will end later anyway.  It is much better to address it now and create an open dialogue.  You can force parenthood by skipping birth control.  I've seen that too.  You want to know emotional bitterness and create a horrible situation for a child?   Yeah, that fouls up a few lives there, eh? Think of that situation, it has its own dishonesty attached.  I've seen it too many times.  Unfortunate is the best term.  Just go with "No."  End it now.

The Answerman says "Friendship is a relationship.  Relationships take work, as with any relationship sometimes being honest hurts.  Friends are lifeguards and coast guards because love is not 20/20.  Saying what needs to be said can be uncomfortable now but it will save a lot of future swipes left because your friend became an ABS by default."