Windows of Time, Window to our Soul
Good day readers- and a great weekend it is with the springtime sun to shine a light on the end of a busy work week and beginning to another. I had a busy week and in my down time not only do I write but I also like to read. An interesting article came up by writer/author Leah Campbell. The piece was called I missed my soulmate window because I was too busy having fun. I enjoyed the article and it reminded me of a piece I wrote a few years ago on a former blog I had called E-Dating and the new reality. In that blog I discussed the travails and challenges of dating or finding a date in the electronic age, perusing dating sites for a substantive match. It was filled with sarcasm, which is a character trait of mine. Sometimes I went on the site cynically looking for material for my blog, not a date.
I broke down the population into a few segments but concentrated on two. I called them the ABS crowd and the DWC crowd. The ABS stands for Always-Been-Single. DWC was Divorced/Widowed w Children. Leah's piece went into the history of how she became an ABS when the realization hit her. "I woke up one day and realized that everyone around me had gotten married- while I was 32 years old and had never been in a relationship that lasted longer than six months." I found Leah's honesty in the article to be both warming and saddening at the same time. Further she states what I've heard from other ABS's "I'm not sure how this snuck up on me. I swear, I always thought I had plenty of time."
While reading her piece she describes herself just I described the "ABS tribe." I stated "The Always-Been-Single (ABSs) crowd are a curious bunch, particularly those in their mid to late 40's or 50's. This can be a point of wonderment or concern. There are exceptions, but for the most part the ABSs were thrill seeking, fun loving singles in their 20's and 30's. I generally swipe left when the first line of a profile says ABS."
I have a preference for someone who has been married, whether divorced or unfortunately widowed. Additionally, someone who has children. I am not alone in that preference amongst my now divorced or widowed crowd. We are the DWC's (Divorced/Widowed w Children)."Why did I feel that way? The answer is simple. The life experience of someone who has been married or is a parent is completely different than the ABSs.
To be frank, while I had my opinions, I never really heard the opinion of an ABS that was still in their 30's, which Leah still is today. I've spoken to a few in their 40's but then I am older than Ms. Campbell. I was intrigued that as a late 20's ABS Leah decided to adopt an infant daughter and voluntarily become a single Mom, via an unusual set of circumstances. Parenting takes a lot of time, an infant even more. Leah states that "I was a single mother by 30 who suddenly had no time for dating at all."
I wrote that "DWCs are viewed as having had less fun by "that crowd", which is another "eye of the beholder" item. The flip side is that many of the ABSs are well traveled fun seekers that suddenly woke up as a middle-aged single. I wouldn't trade my experience as a parent and grandparent for trips to Europe or other international places. But for Leah, having voluntarily decided to adopt a child, while not in a relationship is outside the lens of my opinion at the time. The decision was selfless and unusual.
In my opinion then and now; "Most of the ABSs don't understand what it means to be a parent and cannot relate to what it entails or why we are so dedicated. I will caveat that statement - I have a terrific cousin and a great friend, that are wonderful Aunts and have had active roles in raising nephews and nieces. Each has had some misfortune that created their arrival at middle age as an ABS.
My view of the ABSs checked most of the boxes of the Soulmate Window...but Leah Campbell is the exception. Yes, she has the parenting experience. Due to the fact that she doesn't fit into any category I've considered as normal for the ABS crowd it deepened my intrigue. In life, we talk about "windows of time." These are specific periods whether in a day, week or lifetime in which to get things done, such as finding a soulmate. So, what is a "soulmate?" The trusted Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as;
1. A person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament.
2. A person who closely resembles another in attitudes or belief.
But what is a soul? Webster's says in a few ways;
1. The immaterial essence, animating principle; actuating cause of an individual life
also 2. The moral and emotional nature of human beings
In full disclosure I was the opposite of the fun-seeking ABS's. I was married at 22 but while definition two above may have applied at that time, as life went on we definitely were not perfectly suited to each other in temperament! Nothing in life is perfect and while raising two children I took too long to realize that fact and became a DWC in my early 40's. I have defined my ex as "soulless."
Is there a true "soulmate window?" Maybe, maybe not, it all depends on what we all want in life or out of life with a partner. Finding that person is a challenge. One young woman from a dating site I was on was a vegetarian in a small town in upstate PA, she was looking for the same and honestly stated, "I realize that this is why I am still single, so I expanded my distance for finding a date." Leah Campbell makes a very similar but laugh out loud statement "It doesn't help that I live in Alaska...This leaves me basically waiting for the next round of divorces, as morbid a view of dating as there has every been."
I agree about the time, distance and some but not all limitations we put on our "wish list." Another profile stated that she held a PH.D and only wanted to date someone with a Doctorate degree, about which I wrote "I want to let you in on a fact, you are still single because your dating pool is very shallow (you may be also), only 3.16% of the US population holds that level of education. Bill Gates literally changed the world...and he is a college dropout- You're welcome." As I mentioned earlier sarcasm is part of my personality.
Some people wind up in relationships just because they feel the pressure of the mythical soulmate window closing and wind up marrying a bad mate. I got married at 22, bad decision. I was in a good relationship- not a great one. I had my life planned out, scheduled actually- marry by 25, start a family by 27, etc. Both were achieved- but that didn't make me happy. A close friend of mine had a great friend, JC that had also scheduled her life.
JC was in her early 30's at the time, feeling the pressure of time because a personal tragedy in her late 20's stole her soulmate before they were married. JC was in a relationship but the guy did not want children. A family was all JC wanted. JC had "scheduled" to start her family in her 20's. The guy was allegedly great ( I didn't know him) he's fun and always has another place to go and thing to do. The reality here is that you cannot change someone's mind if they don't want to have children.
I wrote; "Look, if everything else about the relationship is great but one party has an aversion to parenthood it's best to cut bait and fish new waters. If a relationship is spent trying to convince someone that they want something that they don't then both may wind up as card-carrying ABSs when the clock strikes age 40. The sound will be more of a bell tolling than a gentle song bringing her closer to middle age and send her life-boat further adrift from motherhood. The feeling will be worse than unhappiness - its called sadness. Dark, empty and bottomless. If the relationship does wind up walking down some aisle somewhere- there is a real concern that it will end later anyway."
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